06.29.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:26 am by parakitos
The God I Know - City Harvest Church
(click above to listen)
When the stage is bare tonight
There’s no one else, just You and me
When the curtains close behind
Where’s no pretense, I’m on my knees
I will lay down my life for the love sacrifice
You gave to me
It’s all because of You, all because of You
The God I know; righteous and holy
The God I know; faithful and true
The God I know; my tower of refuge
Hearts are healed
Christ revealed
The God I know; light of the city
The God I know strengthens the weak
The God I know; Your heart beats within me
As You are, so are we
This is my cry
My one desire
More of You
More of You
The Church He knows; righteous and holy
The Church He knows; faithful and true
The Church He knows; the tower of refuge
Hearts are healed
Christ revealed
The Church He knows; light of the city
The Church He knows strengthens the weak
The Church He knows is strong and mighty
As He is, so are we
This is that moment again; the moment when I come across a song that speaks when words fail me…
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Posted in Uncategorized at 2:59 am by parakitos
Being quarantined for a few days has its pros and cons. Well one of the pros would be; I get to replenish my much needed amount of rest. Cons? I miss my kids so much. Too much, in fact 
Never knew I would actually grow to love them that much. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I do wonder, why am I wired this way; created with such a heart as mine? Why do I love?
I finally understand what it means when the vessel is filled to the brim, it just overflows to its surroundings. I find that it’s not a choice that I’m able to decide on. It’s just natural that when God’s love overflows, we cannot stop it from flowing, through us, to people around us. I guess I can’t help it. I’m made to love. People might call me weird, hah even one of my colleagues said I love my kids too much, but is not LOVE the purpose of living?
Had a discussion with a friend last night. So many questions seeking answers. Answers that I wanted so badly to explain but ended up tongue-tied. She did not need a string of lectures at such a time as this. She needed me. So there I was, listening to her. My heart ached as she poured hers; so much brokenness and emptiness that I actually felt so forlorn just looking at her.
“What is love?” she asked.
“How do I love? How COULD I love?” she asked.
“How could I ever forgive?” she asked.
“I don’t know how to love myself,” she said.
“How do I let go?” she asked.
“I’ll end up like every other people I know,” she said.
“I’m a mess,” she said.
“Can I kill myself?” she asked.
Why have human beings corrupted and defiled themselves so much that they become the cause to another human being’s hopelessness? This world is so broken that only the hands of God can hold it together. It was overwhelming to actually see deep within a crying soul.
Sometimes the mistakes we make in our lives will haunt us for a long time. Certain mistakes are irreversible; they leave a permanent mark. Some may even cripple us emotionally; not being able to fully recover. But seriously, were we ever promised a perfect life? We are sinners, we are born in sin, we live in a world of sin! REALITY CHECK: LIFE IS NEVER PERFECT. It is an undeniable fact. So what now? Are we going to just give up on life? Are we going to just stop living?
When we make mistakes in life, we are actually given the opportunity to either learn from them or let them drag us into our own personal hell. We either stand up or stay down! We either get a grip or we wallow in self pity! It’s a choice that only WE can make! Because it’s OUR life!
So what if it’s screwed up? So what if other people screwed it up? So what if you had a horrible past? So what if you’ve been heartbroken and torn apart? SO WHAT?? Are you going to stop living, seriously? Is your life worth so little of yourself?
You are still breathing now and EVERY BREATHE YOU TAKE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO START ANEW!
How are you going to love if you don’t allow yourself to be loved by you? If you keep punishing yourself endlessly for the things in the past? If you keep looking at yourself as nothing more than trash? How are you ever going to let go if you keep living in the past and keep walking under the shadow of other people’s mistakes?
We will never know how blessed we are until we actually start being grateful for whoever we are. Why do we keep emphasizing on our own problems when, in fact, we are more blessed than we’ll ever know.
When will we wake up? When will YOU wake up?
When will YOU finally realise that LOVE is more than what you think it is…
Love is more than just a feeling. It is more than just sexual attraction. It is NOT sex. Love is more than a world with only 2 people in it. I pity those who conclude LOVE as only between a couple.
Take some time to look around OUTSIDE your own little world. You will never know LOVE until you wake up from your self-created nightmare.
“What is the purpose of living?” you asked.
You will never know until you choose to find out.
You want to know what LOVE is?
When I first saw him, there wasn’t a single smile on his face. His eyes were empty, tearless, joyless, nothing. I approached him, held out my arms. He did not respond, he didn’t know how. I picked him up regardless and set him on my lap. I cuddled him. Still no response. I did not speak for I knew he would not understand. I just sat there kissing him and holding him close to me, rocking him gently. After some time, he finally relaxed and leaned into my chest. He curled up safely in my arms. He knew he was safe at that very moment. He knew no one could harm him. He knew it was okay. Nothing mattered anymore. That moment lasted forever. He looked at me with questioning eyes but I knew he found at least one answer. He knew he was loved. As for me… the pressure against my ribcage, the thudding ache, the hot tears threatening to pour out of my eyes… it was way above any shallow chemistry attraction I’ve ever experienced in my life… it was true, unconditional LOVE… I have finally learned to love…
He was a little toddler I met in a rundown orphanage in Cambodia. He had no idea who his parents were, he was too young to even understand why he was there in the first place. The pair of pants he was wearing was damp when I carried him. The orphanage lacked clothing so they had no choice but to let it dry off on its own when this little guy wet himself.
And here we are, complaining and discontented with our lives. We claim that we want to die when these kids are DYING TO LIVE! Ironic much? Sometimes human minds are so shallow it’s just pathetic.
Love is simple. Don’t complicate it.
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06.22.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:14 am by parakitos
Exhaustion has taken its toll on me finally. Woke up with a splitting headache yesterday and to make it worse, my throat was sore as well. I will not be able to sing properly for at least a few days or maybe even weeks. Hmm.
Am currently confused and frustrated. Is my pms getting to my head or has my patience really dried up? I think I have once again waded into deep ends. Sigh. Isn’t it much, much easier not to care? Just leave things as they are. Why expect so much when you know you are not in any position to even start expecting in the first place? Why care when you are not needed to care? When you are clearly not trusted or wanted?
Why all the unnecessary drama? Wouldnt all this not exist if I just shut up and minded my own business? Maybe I guess. Enough. So darn tired of all this. I don’t need this right now.
When will people ever realise that sometimes burdens are not burdens when shared? Since when friendships became so calculative? IT’S REALLY ANNOYING!! What are friends for then? Mere accessories? If indeed so, then I refuse to be part of your collection.
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06.07.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 11:48 pm by parakitos
Smiley Vee
LOL!!
Daulat Tuanku?
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Posted in Uncategorized at 1:33 am by parakitos
I have a feeling I’m pms-ing but not entirely sure. :S
Hmm Brian Littrell can sing. Listening to his version of “I Surrender All”. Nice :). Never thought that this Backstreet Boy member would actually choose to sing worship songs. When I first heard it from Janet (my cousin who was CRAZYYY over him, I suspect she still is.. ), I was skeptical at first until I heard him myself. Really nice.
So glad that choral speaking training was canceled today. Would not have been able to rest if it wasnt. Went for FAME rehearsals this morning, nothing much, just finished Bring On Tomorrow and In L.A. scenes. Was kinda oblivious to my surroundings since I was stoning a lil. Just a lil. Was observant though, of certain people, whom I chose not to give too much attention. Getting tired. Gonna turn on my hostile mode soon.
I wonder if it’s only me or it’s common to just switch off your system once in a while. I came home today not wanting to do anything else but sleep since I haven’t had good, thorough rest for quite some time. Didn’t even have lunch/dinner (had pizza in school during rehearsals though). Just slept till 11pm. Hmm. The funny thing was, I kept waking up with this anxiety that I had something to do but in reality, its a SATURDAY and my programme was canceled! It’s a scary feeling, not being able to sleep in peace and kept waking up with the thought of wanting to go to work. OMG. I wanted to go out with friends but my body was too exhausted to obey my mind. Didn’t even bother to reply smses or answer calls. Am I turning into a hermit? :S I honestly wanted to be ALONE. Ugh.
I have to wake up at 5am tomorrow. Diassemble my bed, go to church by 6.45am, sing till 1pm, call Vince, send bed to Ikea to attempt to get them to fix the weird peeling corner. It’s not even a year since I bought it. -_-.. stewpiak..
Need to clean my room, wash my car, fold my clothes… I wonder if any of my students has to do all this. One of them has had 12 maids omg -_-.. Tsk tsk…
I’m beginning to feel that I have to remind myself to stay away from certain people. It’s better that way. Better to have [,] (commas) and [.] (fullstops) with certain people. Why? So that the hurt will either be slowed down OR stopped completely; either way, it’d be better than facing a full-blown SLAP to the face. Right?
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06.06.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:21 am by parakitos
Jangan marah, sayang, jangan hampa
Jangan sedih, sayang, jangan berduka
Kita bebas berlari ke hujung dunia
Tanganku sedia menunggu masa
Dunia ini, sayang, penuh cabaran
Hati orang, sayang, pandai berdendam
Kita bebas berterbang ke hujung angkasa
Bulan, bintang menunggu kedatangan kita
Ayuh sayang, ayuh sayang…
Mari kejar kebenaran
Cinta ini, sayang, bukan biasa
Mulut ini, sayang, takkan berdusta
Kita bebas berenang ke hujung lautan
Ombak-ombak tak kenal makna kekejaman
Ayuh sayang, ayuh sayang
Mari kejar kebenaran
Berlari, berlari bersama
Menyanyi, menari bersama
One of my favourites from Mia Palencia
I think it’s quite sad that I don’t remember the last good conversation i actually had with my housemates. Yes, I’ve been THAT busy. We go to work early in the morning so no time to talk, when I’m home it’s either they are asleep or not home yet. Pathetic much?
Was on my way to SMKCBN to train choral speaking at 5.30 pm when Melina called to inform me only 15 girls showed up. Out of sheer ignorance, I turned back and went home. Of course I explained to the teacher that it was no point training if there were only 15 of them. It’s good for me in fact; at least I have more time to rest. I could feel my system going haywire day by day as I work myself beyond exhaustion.
Thierry Mugler, Angel Sunessence. I LOVE. I still can’t believe Thanmid and Thanjeet’s mom would spend so much to get that for me. I mean maybe to certain people it doesn’t mean much but to me, omg.. It’s GREAT!! Just when I needed to get a new bottle of perfume, pOof~ it landed in my hands. Thank You, Lord
Ok I must sound like some teacher who only look at expensive gifts -_-..
One of my most treasured gifts from my kids is this really simple card with “i love you miss joen” scribbled inside. 
she drew a picture of me too; a really round figure wearing baju kurung and specs. :DD
Sigh.
Why couldn’t people just speak their mind? Sometimes ego is really annoying. Too much is annoying. I don’t like it when we always have to assume things. Ugh. And when I say something from my heart, the respond I get is a brush off.. omg HURTING MUCH????? wtv… weird…
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06.04.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:23 am by parakitos
… … …
One of the things I hate most is being the cause of another person’s tears… Especially those who matter to me. Sigh.
It’s exhausting working at 7.30am until 6.30pm everyday. Few more days and I will have more time to rest…
7.30 - 8.30am - SKCBN1 Choral Speaking
9.00am - 4.30pm - FAME Rehearsals
5.30 - 6.30pm - SMKCBN Choral Speaking
When school reopens, SMKCBN choir will be squeezed into my already hectic schedule. omg. TIRED!
I am currently anticipating the month of July with mixed feelings. I feel really honoured that I’m chosen. I feel unworthy actually. It’s so personal… I cant talk about it even here… lol…
I cant blog properly.. too many things running through my mind… too distracting and disturbing… like a ball of mixed colour yarn… UGH!
… … … … …
I know it’s not easy for you that things are the way they are and when we don’t really have a choice. Trust me, I try my very best not to miss any moment of being there for you so this is affecting me as much as it’s affecting you. I’m just……… sorry… I don’t know what else to say… i just feel spastic at the moment… maybe i should have just shut up about everything…
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05.25.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:29 am by parakitos
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of this world
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
Keep your eyes upon Jesus
Let nobody else take His place
So that hour by hour
You may know His power
Till at last You have run the great race
Sang this during Sunday Services Worship… The words say it all…
He gave me divine strength to be able to sing like that today… it was unbelievable and I know very well that I couldnt have done it without Him… it would have been impossible…
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05.24.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:45 am by parakitos
To: My Dearest Sister Joaan
Time really flies and now it’s time for you to go back to your country already. I just want to thank you for coming back again. I’m really very happy. You know, you had surprised me on the first day you came because I really thought that you won’t come back again.
Thank you very much for teaching me and the worship team. I’m really very thankful for what you have done for us. Just want to tell you that you are the best gift that God has given to me. I really will miss you so much when you are leaving the centre. I will always remember the great times, wonderful times we spent together. Must remember that your face, your smile are always on my mind. I hope that one day we can meet together again. I love you so much my dear.
I love your kind heart. I love to hear you sing in Khmer songs. It was very sweet to hear you singing. This is the best gift that God has given to you and use this to minister to us.
May God bless you in everything that you do and always guide you throughout the circumstances that you will face. May God take good care of you until we meet again one day.
Just want to say thank you again for everything. I love you my dear and I will always do love you. Always remember this words: I LOVE YOU.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you very much and I will always do love you.
Big love
I miss Cambodia…
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05.19.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:31 am by parakitos
I wonder if it’s my PMS causing my brains to think more and my heart search deeper. Hmm.
For some reasons, I felt that I have swayed a bit from God’s purpose in my life. I felt guilty for not thinking as much of Cambodia as I used to. I do plan to go back end of this year. When am I going there for good? I still need affirmation and confirmation from Him. I guess Ps Hock Cheng was right, busyness with work and a hectic life do sometimes tend to divert us from our desires, switching our attention to other unnecessary cravings. I need to refocus on life, the true meaning of life.
While waiting for God to show me where to go, I realise that bumming around is not a good idea. I know God has put me where I am now for a purpose although I wasnt entirely sure what was it that I was called to do here. It wasnt easy, and it’s still not, trying to be the best I could be where I am when there are certain people who are impossibly difficult around me. Many times as an teacher, my heart aches badly for my kids. Is it natural? Why do I hurt for them? Why should I? Why do I love them like I do? Sigh… I have no idea… But I know I sincerely love my kids like they are my own siblings (I’m not ready to be their mother figure :S).
Had a talk with a good friend today. It’s been quite some time since the last time we’ve had a good conversation. Missed it :). I’m just glad we share the same passion when it comes to our kids.
Student. Teacher. What kind of relationship should exist between these two?
Sometimes when I look at certain individuals, teaching is merely a job. They couldn’t care less about who they teach, it’s WHAT they teach that matters. As long as they get the job done, then that’s it. It doesnt matter to them what goes on behind the scenes. It is funny that many don’t realise that every single thing we do, WILL affect a person’s life forever, leaving an irreversible impact.
Sigh. I want to know my kids better. I want to be there for them. I want to be able to see them live their dreams and fulfill my unanswered wishes. I want them to be better than me, to shine above every single achievement I’ve had. I want to make a difference, to be the person standing by when they fall. I want to be able to fight for them when they are defenseless. Lord help me.
It is true that none of them will ever know how much I love them.
Then again, they don’t need to.
With expectation, comes disappointment. This is the price I’ll have to pay. When they don’t need you anymore and throw you aside, will I be able to face it?
Am I ready?
I think too much…
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